SG1 show us how NOT to deal with our fears
by AncientVampiricGryphon
Summary: They're back. They're subjected to a humour fic writer. And they're laughed at. Yes; SG1, the expletive bleeper and the exploding jello are back!


Disclaimer: ...no, I STILL don't own it. I own very little... gah, this heat wave keeps up and I won't be owning my pair of brain-cells anymore, they'll have melted and run out my ears... don't own Jerry Springer either...

WAIT!! I own the expletive bleeper! W00t!

Spoilers: - whips out microscope and double checks – uh...nope...no spoilers here....

Thanks to all those who reviewed my last pieces of work, I'm so happy you found them amusing! That's what they're there for!

I shall endeavour to amuse you with any other works I may spew out...this one included.

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It's amazing how many stupid things can go on at the SGC.

It's amazing how many of those things usually have something to do with SG1.

...no, actually, that last one's not so amazing... this IS SG1 we're talking about...

But, with so any weird things going on...sooner or later they're bound to run into something that actually scares them.

SG1 had been sent on yet another random mission, whatever their objectives were, none of them knew, but hey, it beat sitting around doing nothing...although Jack was missing his tennis ball and Sam had big plans for her new strain of exploding jello.

Anyway... there they were, on this foreign planet, that didn't really look all that foreign seeing as all vegetated planets they visited looked like Canada... but it was foreign because the boss said so.

They had been there a while and had eventually stumbled across some natives that spoke some odd, hard to understand language. But of course, Daniel knew exactly how to speak it fluently within three minutes on the basis of a grilled cheese sandwich. ... worrying thought, but hey, communications communication.

So, there they were.

And what did the natives have to say?

"Men: no shirt no service.  
Women: no shirt no charge."

Well, that's what Jack swore ten times over he heard, but it wasn't that at all.

Thankfully... could you IMAGINE the damage Sam could've done to the native guys with that exploding Jello?

Well, she couldn't have done that anyway even if they had said that...she didn't have any of her precious jello with her.

Now, where were we?

Ah, yes.

The natives had shown SG1 where their local neighbourhood was, in a great big bio-dome not a million miles away.

"Great! Let's go around, poke the locals, find someone for Danny to crush on, take a few Polaroid snaps, and go home!" Jack had practically shouted, any excuse to get home.

Nope. Can't go inside.

Heh, that put a stop to any quick escape ideas.

And escape would have been wise for Jack, he kinda upset Danny there with that 'find someone to crush on' comment. There's pain heading your way colonel O'Neill.

So, what's the catch?

Here's the catch, to prove worthiness to enter the 'utopia under glass' , those seeking to enter must sit in a chamber for an hour, surrounded or confronted by that which they fear most.

Uhh...will this be a good idea?

Well its that or be kebabed on those nice, sharp, pointy metal sticks the locals have in their hands...

Yeah, it's a good idea.

So, SG1 were led off into a big chamber and locked in. Minimalist furniture as always and not brilliant lighting, whomever runs this joint forgot to pay the rent.

"Unless anyone's scared of dirt, rocks, walls, splinters, smashed crates, straw or rat shbleep" Jack started. "then we'll be out of here in no time."

Daniel was yet again looking around to see if he could find the expletive bleeper...it was getting REALLY annoying now, like living in an episode of Jerry Springer. Only far less violent and there was no big bald guy called 'Steve' to come to drag people apart if they started brawling.

"Well, there's nothing in here to be afraid of so far..." Jack commented after ten minutes. Then paused and snapped "...whoever's pbleeping in the corner, could they please stop?!"

Sam was sat on the step leading to the door and had her chin propped in her hands, elbows on knees and eyebrows taking an elevator ride much like Teal'cs usually did. Daniel was growling under his breath, looking round for the expletive bleeper yet again and then jotting note angrily in his note pad...careful there Danny, you'll rip the paper. Teal'c was the unfortunate stood closest a corner...

No, he wasn't doing what Jack said...

The reason Jack had said that was that he had heard a hissing sound nearby behind him, the others had too, only Teal'c had gone to investigate and now turned round with a slightly shocked and denying look at O'Neill.

Jonas was well out of the way in a far corner on the opposite side of the room. Why was he doing this?

Good question, I don't know either...

A few minutes after the hissing stopped, everyone looked round and blinked...if it wasn't Teal'c making that noise in the corner...then who was it?

"I say we just blame Jonas and have done with it." Jack grinned, showing all his teeth.

"Aye!" Sam, Daniel and Teal'c answered and grinned too, only they knew better than to show all their teeth.

Jonas just backed off and looked all wide-eyed and upset.

What had he done to any of them?

Oh... right. ... Killed Daniel ... that might have something to do with their attitudes toward him.

That, or they were just out and out barstewards (ah, thought I was gonna swear there didn't ya?).

Sam's grinning suddenly turned to a look of pure dread and she bolted for the highest point she could, leaping up onto a stack of three crates and started stamping around on her toes, hands gripping the side of her pants, in the typical 'mouse!' reaction. She was making quite the vocal fuss over it all as well.

Daniel looked over at her and blinked behind his glasses, wondering what the hell was going on and pulling the cute curious look. "What's wrong Sam?"

"there!there!there!there!there! Can't you see them?!" the major scowled in panic and stomped around on her toes some more, one arm still fixed to her pant leg, the other waving wildly about as if pointing something out.

"See WHAT?" Jack frowned and looked everywhere except for where she was actually pointing.

Jonas stared and backed off slowly, Sam's flailing arm kept sweeping past the spot he was stood and he didn't want anyone taking it as an excuse to beat the stuffing out of him.

"you little bableepds!" Sam yelled finally after a few more seconds of stomping on her toes. "I'll show you for trying to make ME look like a girl!" she snarled and started waving her MP-90 around, firing at the floor and up certain areas of the walls. She looked like a complete and utter mad-man...err...woman..., the weapon she waved around was punching holes everywhere and she had a crazy forced full-tooth grin fixed on her otherwise snarling expression, hair stuck up at all angles.

Daniel just stood there blinking at the spectacle and watched as stray bullets shot past him.

Jack had a better idea and stood behind a stack of crates, peering round the corner and watching the ammo shower.

Teal'c merely observed where the bullets were not intended to connect and took a step to his right to stand there in complete safety.

Jonas had the best idea of the lot of them and dove behind a load of crates on the far side of the room, staying where it was safe and dark.

The bullet spray was still going on in a seemingly endless spray.

Daniel took his glasses off and held them away form him so far, squinting at them, then cleaning them on his shirt boredly as the bullets shot past him still.

Finally Sam stopped shooting thin air (and the walls, floor, and crates) and flopped over double, arms hanging limply with MP-90 lightly in her grip, head hung. Had she run out of ammo? She should have, but no one was willing to risk it and ask, she might fill them full of holes.

"You ok, Carter?" Jack ventured after a moment or two.

No answer.

"Yo, Mistress Jello..." Jack tried again. "You alright?"

"Mistress?" Daniel looked to Jack and furrowed his brow in a cute questioning way.

Teal'c gave Jack a grin, from one pervo to another...

"what the-?" Jack blinked at them both. "... NO! not like that!!" he glared as he barked.

Daniel snickered and looked away for a moment, Teal'c just shrugging and resuming his 'stoic' demeanour. Danny turning round again and offering Jack a dog biscuit because he had barked.

Jack swung his arm and flung the biscuit away and made Daniel laugh, Teal'c pointing out that Sam's fallen flat on her face and is lying on the crates in a heap.

The colonel looked over and stared at Sam, wondering what the hell had happened.

Daniel thought the same thing as he looked to her and furrowed his brow in another cute questioning look.

Teal'c caught sight of Daniels cute expression and suddenly bolted backwards waving his arm out at him and pointing an accusing finger, looking terrified.

Jack looked over and blinked at Teal'c. What the hell was he scared of? Daniel? How in the HELL could ANYONE be scared of Danny-boy?.

Daniel just blinked and looked at Teal'c, had he suddenly figured out he was prone to killing sprees? If so, he would be next on his slowly growing list of victims...

Teal'c looked quite the sight, staring at Daniel as if he were the devil incarnate...meh, this IS Daniel we're talking about...just might explain a few things...

Jack looked at Teal'c and attempted to ask what the hell the matter was but found himself splattered against the wall as the Jaffa's arm connected with his mouth.

Jack slid down the wall and sat there on the floor, rubbing his mouth and chin, staring at the sight before him.

Teal'c had flung his arms out in reflex of being startled and had scarpered, making as big a distance as he could with Daniel walking after him, trying to persuade him to stop running round.

After a few minutes of this lunacy, Teal'c stopped and flopped over much like Sam had done then fell splat on his face.

Daniel stopped and blinked down at the fallen Jaffa then looked to Jack and blinked.

Jack looked over and shrugged "whatcha looking at me for?! I wasn't the one that made him run around like a lil' girl!"

Daniel shrugged and settled on the floor. "well...at least we're not being shot at anymore..." he muttered with an optimistic smile.

Jack looked at the smile and pondered if Danny and Smiley ( aka Jonas) shared a dentist or something...those teeth looked awfully alike..

Jack seemed to be pondering this for a few minutes then slowly began to be convinced that his worst nightmare was in fact a reality...

One of his closest buds was a relative of smiley over there...

Noooo!

Now it was Jacks turn to back off from Daniel.

Nope, Daniel didn't like what was going on there, nor did he know what was going to stop it, but right now it was kinda amusing to watch Jack try to burrow his way out of stone walls.

Jack was digging and digging and was actually shifting a tonne of dirt quite fast, but wasn't getting anywhere strangely enough.

Daniel watched on as Jack finally flopped and passed out on the floor.

"Riiiiiiiiight..." the Archaeologist blinked and wrinkled his nose a little as he pushed his glasses back up.

Jonas had crept out of his hiding place now, less other members of SG1 to try to kill/maim him, so it was safer.

Daniel looked over and blinked at him with a bitter type of disinterest...good thing Jonas cant taste looks...he'd have to wander around constantly chewing very strong mint gum.

The archaeologist stared for a few minutes with the same bitter look,

Then,

Slowly...

His eyes widened at a steady rate and he backed off, then narrowed again and he grabbed the strange lead baseball bat and fidgeted with it, keeping his eyes on Jonas.

Jonas blinked and looked panicked, getting up and backing off slowly, hands raised in a non-threatening way and his smile there as always but twitchy.

"I s-supp-ppose a lead baseball bat always comes in h-handy in your line of work huh?" he stammered as Daniel walked towards him slowly with a menacing smile.

"now...don't panic Jonas..." Daniel trilled lowly and stepped ever closer to the clown...gah, I mean Kelownan... "you don't run and I'll kill you quicker.." the demented archaeologist smiled.

"now-w ...D-Daniel....you don't want to be doing this..." Jonas stammered as he backed WELL AWAY from the psycho in front of him.

"oh, but I DO..." Daniels smiled darkened as he shifted the bat in a more ready position.

Jonas screamed higher than even a girl can and bolted round the room, Daniel in hot pursuit.

What the hell was going on round here?!  
He knew his team-mates were all a bit nutty...but completely out of their tree?!

The poor cl- ah hem... Kelownan, ran as fast as he could in any direction Danny wasn't coming from.

What was going on?  
Quite simple...

The sound Jack and the others had mistaken for someone taking a pbleep was in actual fact, a hallucinogenic drug that inspired them to see their worst fears within the room they were in.

Sam had seen a whole hoard of garden gnomes in front of her. At first they had seemed to just stand there staring then they began to move without being seen to do so. Even non hallucinogenic ones seemed to do that to her, and without her jello to help her, she had gone a little, well.. loopy.

Teal'c had not seen Daniel as Daniel after the 'cute' look. He had seen some happy floppy bunny thing from off some overly cute, way too hyper and retarded little kiddie's show. Those huge eyes, overly happy, way too much smiling things REALLY put the fear of gods into him.

We all know what Jack had imagined and had tried to burrow his way away from.

As for Daniel, he had suddenly become way more aware of the fact Jonas had killed him and that he was now in a room all alone with him.

What had he feared?

Well, he'd feared that Jonas would try to find some way to do him in again...only he didn't react to his fear the way Jack or Teal'c had. Daniel had reacted to the fear the way Sam had, and decided to kill it before it killed him.

Eventually both of them collapsed and blacked out on the floor.

'Wait!' I hear you say... 'Jonas wasn't in fear of anything due to the gas...'

Who needs the gas when you work with those psychos?! ... poor Jonas was scared to death as it was by the trigger-happy Sam and the rampaging Daniel, he didn't NEED the gas thank you very much.

A short while later and they awoke to the natives telling them they failed the test, they reacted to their fears.

SG1 were NOT amused.

"we went through all that..." Jack blinked.

Sam twitched an eye "... for NOTHING?!"

"oh crap..." Jonas, Teal'c and Daniel chorused.

Sam was mad.

The men-folk of SG1 knew better than to get Sam mad.

The natives hadn't.

Pity the fools, they know not what they have done..

The major flipped her lid and grabbed Jacks MP-90 and chased the natives around far and wide, spraying ammo at them.

A while later and they were coming down the ramp back home.

Ye GODS no!

Not a briefing!

They all so wanted not to have to go to a briefing on this particular mission.

Did they go to a briefing?

Did they hell.

Unfortunately, the briefing room suffered yet another explosion... wonder how that happened...

Now they had time to pursue their hobbies.

Jack took his tennis ball for a walk.

Teal'c went off to give himself a manicure.

Daniel was setting traps up...for what? ...for the expletive bleeper again. When will he ever learn? ...

As for Sam...

Well...Sam never wanted to see that planet again as long as she lived, and she wanted to destroy a whole mess of garden gnomes for some reason. So what did she do? Wearing a blindfold, she sat in front of the dialled-up gate cross-legged on the floor and started lobbing stuff through it.

What was she throwing?

Garden gnomes.

The gnomes were wearing military uniforms and each had the words 'greetings from earth' printed on their fronts and an exploding Jello attached to their backs.

When, half an hour later, she thought she'd blown enough of the place to kingdom come, Sam pulled over a BIG red exploding Jello and wiggled it a little then smiled to it with intent. "Make mama proud." She kissed the rim of its glass bowl and threw it through the gate.

There was a rumble and for one awful moment, Sam though she had busted the gate or something, the event horizon blew out like a bubble and actually seemed to get tenser and tenser...

Tenser still...

Sam was on the verge of screaming and running away when...

The event horizon couldn't take it any more and...

Burped.

VERY loudly.

Charming.

Sam blinked at it and looked wide eyed for a minute then grinned evilly and rubbed her palms together. "that'll teach them what fear is."

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Alright.

I know, it sucked.

Feel free to throw stuff at me.

Please; Read, Review, and Remember...I should have a better one up soon.


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